Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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