I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
