his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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