I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
