can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
did i just pee glitter
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
