Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
