guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
