I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
