I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We are all done wearing pants today
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
