i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
