Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize