He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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