you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Text me some of your sweat
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
