I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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