return my video game
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
she told me i tasted like america
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I have fence marks all over my body
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize