Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
