god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
