A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
