Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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