I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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