Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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