He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Randomize
