oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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