I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
