this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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