I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
