Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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