Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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