Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
