I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Randomize
