a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
worst night to have a conscience
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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