its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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