whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
