Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
