she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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