I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Every concussion has its silver lining
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
