Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
