I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
