ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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