In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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