I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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