Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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