My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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