We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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