tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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