So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
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