My boss' voice literally gives me gas
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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