I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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