my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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