I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
