Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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