My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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