I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
