I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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