Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
