Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Randomize
