i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
