it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
